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It's amazing just how clever and resourceful women can be...

Festival Food

Banned from bringing alcohol into a public venue? Try hollowing out a nice crusty French stick and filling it with vodka. You'll be amazed at the capacity it can hold (a whole bottle? no problem), and well-impressed with its watertight properties. If it gets a bit soggy during the course of the afternoon, squash the sides together and start munching instead. Just one of these superb Smirnoff Sandwiches is enough to go round a handful of girlfriends during a nice stroll through the park.

Quick Reference Guide: a few handy, Crash Test Mummy tips to help you through your busy day.

  • Get your husband to take you out to dinner, arrange to meet him there as a romantic gesture, and turn up drunk with a couple of friends.
  • During a quiet moment together, let out a heavy sigh and leave the room.
  • Every time one of your family asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Ruin all your husband's clothes on a boil wash. Including his suits. Press and return to his closet and deny all knowledge of it.
  • Springtime Money-saving Tip: Wait until your neighbours are out then help yourself to their daffodils.
  • Take the TV remote control with you whenever you leave the house. On your return, replace it somewhere different every time.
  • Sit in your parked car pointing a hairdryer at oncoming traffic.
  • Get up a little earlier than him in the morning and run all the hot water out of the taps.
  • Telephone him regularly at work. When he asks what you want, say 'Nothing!' in a childish manner and hang up immediately.
  • Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
  • Get back at teenagers: make sure that the outfit they said they want for Friday is still slightly damp. Even if that means you have to wash it in the middle of the night.
  • Nip down to your local hairdresser and pick up a few scraps of hair of a similar shade to your husband, (assuming he has some). Leave bits of it on his pillow. Furrow your expression at his head regularly. When asked, 'What?', you say, 'Oh, nothing.'
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Travel Tip: Upgrade yourself to Club Class and send the family by freight.
  • Aged parents getting on your nerves? Try talking to them without making any sound and watch them squinting their ears.
  • Put mosquito netting around your desk at work and play tropical sound effects all day.
  • When Christmas comes around, don't forget about all those seasonal opportunities. Instead of the usual predictable present this year, why not buy him a dress in your size? When he stares incredulously and says 'what the bloody hell is this?' Feign surprise/hurt that your gift has been discarded and pop it in your wardrobe.
  • Tell your children over dinner, 'due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go.'
  • Only buy food from the supermarket that no-one likes. Have a secret stash for yourself hidden in your wardrobe.
  • Start eating secretly and stop preparing food for anyone else.
  • Whenever your family ask you for something, adopt the manly approach and go deaf.
  • Sprinkle a little itching powder in your husband's pants drawer. Available from all reputable joke shops - ask any ten year old boy.
  • Pour boiling water in your husband's ears while he is asleep. TIP: hide a pre-filled thermos flask behind the bed to avoid the tell-tale sound of the kettle boiling.
  • Blunt all your husband's razors. Simply drag the blades along the carpet half a dozen times, and hey presto. Pizza face.
  • Empty hair conditioner from the bottle and replace with Veet.

Respeck due to the lady from Huddersfield who took the itching powder method into a new dimension by placing the said powder into her husband's briefcase. With it neatly self-pollinated on his fingers, he managed to spread it onto his face, hair, and unmentionables. After several days, he took himself off to the GP and is now being treated for a mystery allergy/skin complaint. She has no intention of owning up. Very very impressive.

Please note that Crash Test Mummy does not, repeat not, condone the malicious use of poisonous substances in deliberate acts of terror against any person's unsuspecting partner. You can get into trouble for things like that, you know.

SNAP SURVEY: I am currently conducting a poll to find out what time your husband/boyfriend/gay lover gets home from work. I have a sneaking suspicion that The Husband is going to great lengths to avoid me, preferring to sit in the office going blah blah blah I'm so important blah blah rather than coming home so that I can make his life miserable.

Please do feel free to send me an email with your tales of woe.