Incidentally, I have decided to extend my film critic slot to include programmes on the tellybox. Since we went all digital, there is no end to the mind-numbing shit my family sits in front of. Sometimes I sit in front of it too, but that's only because I'm too lazy to get up and do something constructive. On weekends, (oh, alright, any day for that matter), I might be drunk as well, which means I have to cover one eye with my hand, otherwise I see multiple tellyboxes and it makes me feel a bit sick.
Be warned... it takes me years to get around to seeing films, so if you're after something a little more current, hard cheese. Everything from here down was blogged prior to my re-emergence in April 2012...
The trouble with French films is that they do tend to get a bit weird. Hidden is no exception, and if you can work out the ending, your a smarter cookie than me. One word review: escargot.
Having decided that Daniel Craig is actually a bit of alright, I have been tracking down his other movies. Munich is brilliant, although I do wish that Steven Speilberg would stop banging on about the jews. One word review: explosive.
I like a bit of gratuitous guillotine action, and this is punk rock meets bodice ripping costume drama. Marie Antoinette was a lot better than I expected. One word review: cakey.
Another regal saga with pheasant-flinging banquet scenes, The Other Boleyn Girl serves as a timely reminder that royals don't necessarily make the best husbands. One word review: off with her head.
Went to see The Duchess at the weekend (with the husband of all people), fully expecting it to be very annoying due to the unavoidable presence of the quivering Kiera. Are there no other actresses, I hear you cry? My point exactly. However, I am pleased to report that it was all right, actually. Ralph Feinnes put in a jolly fine appearance, being all detached and wiggy, but is looking a bit old these days. One word review: crinolene.
I was really looking forward to this film after all the sumptuous trailer nonsense, yet all I felt after watching The Darjeeling Limited was high and dry. Mind you, I ought to be used to that sort of thing by now. One word review: Bombay duck.
Thinking of watching The Family Stone? Don't bother. It's dross. One word review: typecast.
I like Helena Bonvoyage-Carter, yet Conversations With Other Women, which is served up to the unsuspecting audience in split screen format for the duration of this (what felt like a) very long film, rendered her marvellous screen presence almost unwatchable. Perhaps I'd had too much wine and was already seeing double anyway. One word review: arty-farty.
Tiny weeny photo for a big colourful movie. Sex In The City was well worth the trip to the cinema with 3 teenage girls, if only for the sex education (for them, you understand). One word review: penis-glimpse.
You call that fat? Bloody hell, I really need to go on a diet. I'd give the marathon running a miss, mind you. It's all I can do walk to the kitchen at a leisurely pace to retrieve another bun from the fridge. One word review: full English with fried bread.
You know those really annoying 'where the bloody hell are you' Australian tourist board ads? Well, why not do yourself a favour and watch this instead? There are more dead bodies littering the famous outback than you might imagine and, if you play your cards right, you could well be next. Wolf Creek is a salient warning to anyone thinking about breaking down in the middle of nowhere and accepting help from a stranger. One word review: digeridoo.
Like most other red-blooded women, I am faintly partial to a wet breeches Darcy moment here and there. Sadly, Becoming Jane has none to offer. One word review: smelling salts.
Go on Brucie... smear a bit of bisto on yer vest and down a few helicopters with a pea shooter while saving the world and being a generally blokey bloke. Die Hard 4.0 is the usual fabulous regurgitation of the same old plot. One word review: ka-boom.
Leonardo da Vinci does a pretty authentic South African accent in Blood Diamond, which is about the first time I've seen him acting anything evening midly convincingly. It was that bloody Titanic film that did it. Possibly the most irritating performances all round. Full marks for redeeming yourself, Leo. Film wasn't bad either. One word review: blick.
The trouble with trying to adapt a book like Perfume to the screen, is that you may not be able to pull it off. Valiant effort, I suppose, but didn't really do it for me, I'm afraid. Not that anyone will care. One word review: Jo Malone.
If you like a bit of Indian cinema now and then (or even if you think you don't), I suggest you rush out immediately and find a copy of Water. I usually shy away from films that depict the oppression of and/or generally rough deal that so many women are subjected to just because they were born female, because it makes me fly into a wild rage and want to seek revenge. I'm glad I made an exception in this case. (But I still want to kill people.) One word review: stunning.
I'd been meaning to catch No Country For Old Men for a while. It's almost brilliant, but has a rather unsatisfactory ending. Then again, as a woman, I should be well used to that. One word review: relentless.
I suppose I would have liked Atonement a whole lot more were it not for Keira Knightley's highly annoying quivering teeth. One word review: whimsical.
I've never been much of a Paul Daniels fan. Magicians are deeply weird people anyway. Imagine wanting to spend your life deceiving others? Mmm. I suppose I could tell you about The Prestige, but I'm afraid it was so boring that I just can't be arsed. One word review: abracadabra.
I had hideous nightmares about being on the run after watching The Bourne Ultimatum which, frankly, is just one long and exhausting chase scene. The husband thought it was brill. One word review: knackering.
Dear, oh dear. Augustus whassname writes a jolly good book, but I'm not sure about the film at all. Running With Scissors was so similar to my own family that I might just as well have switched the tellybox off and watched the comings and goings in my kitchen through an old cornflakes packet. Call that entertainment? I think not, little puppy. One word review: therapeutic.
I so totally love this film, but then again, Johnny Depp is the spitting image of my brother, who is maybe my most favourite person in the world. He lives in Australia, so watching Blow is about as close as I can get. One word review: intoxicating.
Although it drones on a bit, An Inconvenient Truth is a must see for anyone thinking of buying a beachside holiday property. You might want to rethink your plans. One word review: scary.
No idea what drew me to pick up Breakfast On Pluto, about a fey young puff against a bizarre yet fabulous backdrop, but it is now way up there with my favourites. One word review: homosexual.
I'm partial to a bit of University Challenge. Have you noticed how Jeremy Paxman is morphing into the eagle off Sesame Street? Anyway, Starter For Ten was hardly worth the bother. One word review: 'I'm sorry I'll have to deduct 5 points.'
Bradley Pitt makes an exceptional job of on-screen emotional snivelling (considering his amassed wealth) and whass-her-name wees herself in this Holidays From Hell special terrorist edition. Babel is perfect background watching for anyone going to Morocco this summer. One word review: gripping.
With all the hype, Pan's Labyrinth had a lot of promises to live up to. Yeah. I'd say it's pretty good. I didn't feel cheated for sitting through the two hours or more. One particularly ugly monster was the spitting image of my first husband's mother. A bit gory here and there so I'd be careful about when you eat your ice cream and steer clear of the Raspberry Ripple. One word review: enchanting.
Watched The Weather Man yesterday with Nicolas Cage. I like him. I heard he was married to someone but they don't live together. Sounds good to me. One word review: Mild.
Saw Sexy Beast again recently. It's fair warning to anyone thinking about retiring to Spain. You never know who's going to pay you a visit. One word review: Brit-tastic.
The Squid And The Whale. About a man who thinks he's better than everyone else and intellectually bullies his wife and kids. (Hang on a mo, isn't that most men?) One word review: True.
The Devil Wears Prada. Went down well with the teenagers. The handbags were quite nice, but that's about it really. One word review: Fashionable.
City Of God. Frankly, this one was a risky choice because it has subtitles and my husband can't read very fast. To his credit (and my amazement) he didn't fall asleep. His lips didn't move much either. Catch it if you can. It's brilliant. One word review: Stunning.
I happened to see a preview showing of The History Boys last night. Didn't do much for me, I'm afraid. There's an entire scene in French, so certain people guffawed very loudly in the audience as if to say 'ah yes, I speak French, therefore I laugh.' Between you and I, I too can speak a bit of Frogese, but found it much more entertaining to witness these sad individuals looking around to see how impressed everyone was. One word review: Pretentious.
Stayed up to watch the romantic Sabrina remake with Harrison Ford and found myself gob-smacked by its awfulness. I like Sydney Pollack. He must have been having an off day. One word review: Embarrassing.
Ray, about drugs, women and Ray Charles. A bit strange really - like an impersonation that goes on for too long. One word review: Tellmewhatisay.
Twelve Monkeys was on last night. Good film, although I don't find Brad Pitt's portrayal of a mental patient very attractive at all. If I want to watch dribbling I'll go down the local Asda. One word review: Ugly.
Attempted to watch The Island but is was sooo boring that I eventually threw in the towel. Didn't have a clue what was going on anyway. Didn't care either. One word review: tedious.
V For Vendetta. Nice to look at, jolly sets, atmospheric rainy backgrounds and stuff. Story got lost somewhere along the line, probably because I'm a bit thick and don't understand complicated plots. All a bit beauty and the beast. One word review: Pretty.
If you fancy a bit of foreign, Amores Perros was pretty good. Something about a load of dogs. Dunno. Very long. Subtitles are a bit fast if you've been at the cooking wine. One word review: Sangria.
Watched Full Metal Jacket again last night because it was on the tellybox. When the end credits rolled, I rememberd that nothing actually happens in this film. One word review: Testicular.
Saw the new Mr Bean Goes On Holiday at the weekend, fully
expecting the usual mindless drivel, but can report that it was
actually pretty good. Oh, the shame of it. One word review: Amusing.
21 Grams. With Benicio Del Torro and some other people in it. I'd like to give you more information, but I went into a trance at the swarthy one's gritty on-screen presence. One word review: Phwoar.
Think your family's weird? Check this out. Me And You And Everyone We Know confirms my homespun theory that everyone is completely insane in their own little way. I don't even try to act normal any more. One word review: nuts.
Yes, it's living proof that the turkey does exist. You, Me & Dupree is a truly awful film. There was no escaping it as I was squashed into a flying machine with a captive audience. One word review: Rubbish.
If, like me, you haven't seen An Affair To Remember for several hundred years, you might want to get it out again. Offers everything that Meg Ryan can't. One word review: Aaaaahhh!
If you like a bit of corgi registered predictability, go for The Queen. Top notch clipped accents and sensible shoes. One word review: Regal.
Tom Cruise is just four inches tall, yet has overcome his disability by fitting neatly into most standard television sets. All his films feature a scene with him sprinting: proof that his little legs do work after all.
Normally I quite like Tommy wossisname, but this Three Burials Of Someone With A Complicated Spanish Name just doesn't cut the mustard for me. Twice I've tried to watch it. Both times fell asleep. Maybe it was something to do with my compulsive eating disorder. Dunno. One word review: Soporific.
More like a lesson in long-gone English manners than anything else, I can't help but feel that the husband in Brief Encounter was a right twit. Frankly, if I was married to someone like that, I'd have been helping myself to the crumpets long ago. One word review: timely.
Now, this, in my humble housewifely opinion, is a good film, starring my very favourite invention of all time, wine. One word review: full-bodied.
Introduced Teenager No.1 to Breakfast At Tiffanys and explained to her, on no account marry a poor writer, as he's likely to throw it all in and join the A-Team. One word review: sparkling.
By the way... I hope you don't think these are the only films I have seen. I have, of course, seen billions of movies and like to waste as much of my time as possible lying around glued to a glowing screen.