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HOUSEWIFE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING...

I've had a lot of nice emails asking me if there are going to be any further Housewife books. The basic answer is: probably not. Five instalments seemed like a good place to leave it, and I had a few other things to attend to anyway, like having my gizzards removed. Still, that's all water under the bridge now, and I suppose it's about time I wrote something really vicious again. So do please leave that one with me for a little while and I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I haven't been completely idle. The Secret Children took five years to complete and came out in January.

GO FORTH AND MULTI-BUY... 

The latest Housewife book, HOUSEWIFE IN TROUBLE, came out a little while ago and is now in a bookshop/supermarket near you. The fifth instalment in the domestic saga and packed with a healthy dose of filth and vitriol, you might want to bear in mind that it's probably not a suitable gift for a Mormon. Deary me. I won't make that mistake again.

Click here to buy it now on Amazon.

WARNING: may contain strong language like f***, s***, a***holes and bollocks, in both Russian and English. As the Government mantra goes... education, education, education.

A BIT OF BOOK CLUB BOTHER... The doctor's wife next door suggested I pop over for one of her book club evenings. I envisaged a riotous soirée with a nice group of women with lots of wine and crisps on tap and no need to drive home.  Perfect. Fast forward some weeks later  - I found myself inexplicably drowning in the ultra-tedious company of a coven of yummy-mummys. One of them liked to say 'existentially' at every opportunity. Nobody smoked, (not that I condone that sort of thing), and they all seemed intent on sipping sparkling spring water. It was horrible, truly horrible, and I had to take to my bed the next day with a bottle of port. Whatever the point of the evening was, I failed the interview magnificently and have never been asked back. Thank heavens for small mercies.

THE  HOUSEWIFE SAGA CONTINUES...

A lot less innocent than the cover suggests, Housewife In Love is the fourth episode of the bestselling Housewife series. So if you're in the mood for a spot of sex, skulduggery and womanly vitriol, you know what you have to do. Nip round to your local library or pick up a copy in all the usual bookshops and big supermarkets.

If you can't be bothered to trudge down to the high street, (and let's face it, who can?), click here to order it on Amazon.

HOUSEWIFE ON TOP is the perfect antidote to the Christmas season, when women throughout the land descend into near hysteria. The curse of Christmas cards... the endless shopping for over-priced tat... the way you'll no doubt be presented with some hideous present by a grinning boyfriend/husband who probably spent all of oh, half an hour on his gift shopping. Not to worry - this book also contains canny tips and several special recipes for getting your own back. Click here to buy it now on Amazon.

HOUSEWIFE DOWN, by Alison Penton Harper, one of the winners of the Richard & Judy publishing competition in 2005. Click here to buy it on Amazon.
HOUSEWIFE UP, the second instalment of the series, described as 'laugh a minute, frothy fun' by the Sunday Express. Buy it on Amazon.

The Housewife books chronicle the rise of a persecuted, suburban housewife whose vile husband is deservedly killed in a freak accident. Somehow, the thought of that really appeals to me. These sneaky little bestsellers are perfect if you're looking for a bit of vicious female humour.


GEM SQUASH TOKOLOSHE by South African writer Rachel Zadok was short-listed for the 2006 Whitbread prize. I'm not sure if that means she got free beer, but it's a stunning book. Really deep, man.
THE HONEY TRAP by Lana Citron - gorgeously quirky. Perfect for younger Crash Test fans, particularly if you're a single parent. I used to be a single parent. I killed my first husband with a high cholesterol diet. Takes a while, but well worth the effort.
THE BRODSKY TOUCH by Lana Citron - her fabulous sequel to The Honey Trap. Hear Lana reading an extract.
RAIN DOGS AND LOVE CATS by Andrew Holmes. If you like dark humour with a bit of detection thrown in, you'll love this... link to Amazon

RECOMMENDATION OF THE MONTH

Treat yourself immediately to a fabulously entertaining Victorian gore-fest with this new book Queen Victoria, Demon Hunter by A E Moorat. Packed with lashings of glistening entrails, decapitations and lurid shennanigans, it's sick, it's wrong, but you know you want to. Buy it on the cheapo at Amazon, or nip down to your local library and demand that they source a copy for you. (Incidentally, is the 'Prince Albert' bodily adornment named after Prince Albert? I am launching an immediate investigation and will report back to you.)



Got nothing to read at the moment? Then allow me to point you towards the brand new novel from Helen Cross, award winning author of My Summer of Love, and all round brilliant writer and fabulous woman.

Spilt Milk, Black Coffee, is hot off the press, and you can grab a copy off Amazon half price or just ask for it at your local library and don't pay anything at all. Click here to read all about it on Amazon.


Like I've got the time. You'd be amazed at the lengths I go to for a sneaky read. It can take me years to get past page 10.

Grippingly miserable Gulag tale, Child 44 is a snapshot of what might well happen to us if we leave Grodnod Brown in charge. You have been warned.Alan Bennett has a knack for painting a picture just so, ie, the Queen to her yapping corgies - 'Shut up, you silly creatures.' The Uncommon Reader is a twinkling little morsel and only takes a minute to read.
Thinking about taking a holiday in India? Grab White Tiger for a little light reading on the plane, then bear it in mind while you're taking in the sights. Whips along at a cracking pace, too.
Prone to a spot of depression? Grab a copy of The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, published a few weeks before she killed herself. It's utterly exquisite.In contrast to its jolly title and cover, Mr Pip is guaranteed to make you feel miserable, unless you're a white supremacist, in which case you'll probably feel extra-superior after reading it.
I was looking forward to this after The Kite Runner, but somehow all it did was to confirm my suspicion that the ageless story of women's abuse and subjugation will go on for so long as men continue to inhabit this planet with us. Now, if I ruled the world....
Sleb is another masterful tale from Andrew Holmes's twisted pen. I wonder if his mother used to worry about him as a kid? Some people are just weird, I guess.
The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje. Very lovely indeed. Much more so than the film, although I'd quite have liked a go on that Ralph wassname.
The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh, for those who prefer something with a substantial girth. Went on a bit, mind you.
We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. (And you think your kids are bad?). The recent adaptation on Womans' Hour was brill.
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hossein. An absolutely ripping yarn, I'm looking forward to swiping his new novel from my mother's bookcase when she's not looking.

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The Color Purple by Annie Walker seemed like a good idea at the time and just goes to show you just how much women put up with.
In a bid to help Teenager No.2 with her coursework (yeah, right), I was forced to read Lord Of The Flies by William Weirdo Golding. Having grown up with two brothers, I found the book a complete waste of time and a chilling reminder of what a complete bunch of little shits boys are.
Not usually my thang, the Philip Pullman His Dark Materials trilogy is proving unputdownable. Northern Lights totally brilliant,
the second one...  The Subtle Knife is pretty good too. Whether I shall every get around to reading book 3 is another matter.
On my bedside table along with the Mogadons at the moment is Andrew Motion's In The Blood, although why I insist on reading these things before I go to sleep remains something of a mystery. Nevertheless, it's gorgeously written, as one might expect from a Poet Laureate.